A Post of Many Bits and Pieces.

Hello all 🙂

How has everyone been? I hope you’ve all been well.

So this post comes about as I had yet another horrible fight with my Dad and sister.

Lets just say from the last post I made here I haven’t gotten any better, in fact you could say I have completely fallen apart. Am I proud of that? NO. Can I help it? No, either.

I am totally inactive with everything in my life right now, I haven’t eaten in two days. I keep blaming myself more and more each day. In my head I remember the last thing I said to my Mummy 🙁 and I wish that’s not what they were…I want to replace it all with I love you

I killed her…it’s all my fault.

Talking to my family (what remains) is hard as it is, they tell me I should speak but they don’t want to talk about what I want to talk about. My Dad and my sister…

Last night though, I hope you all don’t mind me sharing here but last night I was yelled at, my both my Dad and my sister. It started small, till I snapped — it was simple — my Dad asked why I haven’t been eating the food he has been buying. Simple things like he started off getting chicken and I didn’t eat, I left it in the fridge, different kinds of beef ribs because I loved beef ribs always made for everyone. There was over 10 packs and I hadn’t touched any. Just didn’t eat.

He got me yogurts and all sorts. And I hadn’t eaten them.

Haven’t now either…but that’s not the point.

But he said to me after I yelled I don’t want to be here he said to me You would prefer that all me and Silvia worked for fell apart, we have no one, no family the both of us, everything we did we did for the two of you. How can you say you love her when you would see everything she worked for fall apart and destroy it all. You don’t love her if you can’t even think of everything she did and continue with it all. You are the oldest, you were always together, you know how much pride she had for you. She wanted everything for you

It’s not true. I do love her, and its not that I want everything to collapse I just want to be with her, and I won’t tell a lie I have asked myself why I am still sitting here on this earth, why my heart didn’t stop the day her’s did. Why I have been cursed to live …I have an escape but everyone will hate me if I take it. Yesterday before the fight with my Dad and sister, I sat outside on a step in our yard holding a razor and I watched my vein, I stared at it and thought to myself “It’s there, just cut, press deep into my vein and cut, I will bleed out” and with no one around at that time of morning it would be hours before I was found.

I hated myself for not having the courage, all I was able to do was make a few cuts to feel better, I kept thinking if I cut and made myself bleed out who would find me? My sister? Did I want her to see that? To feel the way I do? For a second I said to myself, I don’t care and then I thought again, she will be alone. Now we have each other but if I died she would be alone.

I spoke to some people who have gone through this as well, and all said one thing to me.

Even if you want to take the exit. Don’t. If not for yourself then for your Mum. Live her years in honor. She lived 53 years. So I should make it to 53 and reevaluate. If at 53 I still feel like taking the exit myself, then I have earned the right to do so after living in honor of my Mum till her age.

I can’t see myself making it to 53yo but I will try.

I can’t anyone for certain if I would make it past 25, but all I can do is try.

Hope this didn’t suck.

Bye.