Hello everyone, long time.
Hope everyone has been okay, today I went out, like I left my house. It was weird, my palms got sweaty, my hands were shaking and I almost felt like throwing up.
That is TMI, I know, I am sorry, but this is how I am right now and I just wanted to state it, to move onto my post title, I have moments of sanity too. I have moments when I lift my head, and I feel like I can do it, and I make plans in my head.
Sadly though, like everything in life, those thoughts and moments dont last long for me, and before I know it, I am sitting in my room trying my hardest to pretend, to fool myself that nothing is wrong and that I am okay.
NOT GOING TO WORK!
But I think I am okay with that, I am not okay, but I am okay with not being okay.
So in the last few days, I dont know what triggered this in me, but I have been really thinking, what do I want, what can I do?! I dont know the answers to these questions, I am no longer as sure of myself as I once was.
But I figured a good space to start was here, and since my Bluehost auto-renewed and I got a notification it seemed like a sign to start here. So here I am.
I have no clue what to do with my life, I haven’t been studying shit, so my Korean level has dropped, my IQ has probably dropped lol, all I have done is play video games and watch tv.
Occasionally while I game I have Korean TV in the background for listening practice, while avoiding things that could trigger me, things trigger me now, and when they do oh holly doo dah is it a nightmare. I have learnt to max out my control as I get very odd urges (bad stuff dont know young-lings might be reading this so shhh) ^_^
But back to like life, and studies. I dont know what I want to study, every time I think I know what to try I back out. The last was Journalism and Media Studies, but it falls short of me being a language and culture person at my core as a human being so I dont think I could have any enjoyment from it. Or maybe I could? I dont know.
So school, on the fence about what to do 🙂 but of course doing it once I figure it out.
Language, I suck right now I am sure of it, so I have decided to take like a few lessons to act as both a review (some content yo) – and to have an evaluation of what my level is and what I need to pick up with. No more Japanese just Korean now.
Why?
You didn’t ask, and you dont care but I will share. I wanna go to Korea, and I have my trip planned out I just have to save for like half a year and go 😛 I am determined to go to Korea, not only because this is Korean Notebook, and not only because I love Korea and Korean but also to cleanse my soul.
I need it. And I will do it.
So I have to put myself to it and get going, evaluation of my Korean level is in like 2 days and then from there I know what to do 🙂
In the meantime, in a bit I will have like a really bad video of my books (like a mini-book tour) – I say MINI because I dont have half of my books, they have been packed away and misplaced, and I have to look for them. These are what I have now. So I have like 20 books and magazines and different resources I need to find 🙁
It will be a long night. (what with gaming and all too)
Well, laters 😀 (and if you made it to the end grats)
Tell me how you been in a comment 🙂 missed ya’ll.
Kay
hey there!
I just wanted to say that what you’re going through is perfectly okay and you’re doing a good job! I am going through a similar situation, I graduated and I do not really know what to do, just like you I need to sort out my priorities. It is perfectly fine, you’ll work something out of the confusion you’re going in at the moment, I promise things will get better, with ups and downs but definitely better! Hope to read more from you soon and that your plan of going to Korea will happen really really soon <3
Hi, thank you, its really a difficult place.
I hope so too. <3
Hey Kay, So good to see you back! Really missed your posts. Keep the them coming, girl! 항상 응원할게 🙂
안녕하세요! 🙂
Glad to be back! ^_^ Definitely going to keep them coming, lots to catch up on.
Hey. You might remember me. I kind of hope you don’t but I was the bitch on your Instagram account about a year ago. I wanted to apologize for what I said. I really wanted to help but I misread the situation, then got frustrated and angry and took it out on you. You didn’t deserve that. I was wrong and I shouldn’t have said anything like that in the first place. I didn’t know all of what you were going through, and therefore said things to really upset you. Which was stupid on my part. I don’t expect you to forgive me by the way. That’s not why I’m saying this. It’s really bothered me for a while because I was in the wrong but I didn’t want to admit it. So I’m really really sorry. And I really hope my words didn’t destroy everything you had so carefully built up to feel better. And if they did I want to apologize for that too. Because my words were worthless and uncaring and you shouldn’t have had to deal with that. So I’m sorry and I really hope you’re feeling better. You’re a very talented language learner and I hope you continue with that. I can’t take back my words because they’re already out there but I want you to know that I am truly sorry that they are.
I do remember you and probably will never forget how you made me feel but thanks its fine I guess, have a good day.