I am sorry to post such depressing posts but I can’t talk to anyone I feel lost and alone and expressing through a post seems the only outlet.
I’ve heard mourning for a loved one can either destroy or bring a family closer, and I wish it was the latter for me but right now I seem to be the person who is destroying everyone. I am not doing it on purpose. But me turning into a walking vegetable makes everyone angry and I don’t know how to stop. Whatever I say or do or don’t do turns into something.
Today being the worst, I could never do much right and now is no different. I am sorry to my dad and sister for how I am acting but I am trying, and I don’t know why they can’t see that. I wake up in the morning, is that not enough effort?
I don’t know what more they want from me. Do they want old Kay back? So do I. But she isn’t here. She’s gone and there is s good chance she will never return.
When I don’t speak it’s taken as a sign of anger or I’m sulking. Why not ask a question before assuming how I feel. Am I angry? Yes, very angry. But that is not the reason I dont speak. I don’t speak because I have no one to speak to. My best friend is gone. I am sad. I am depressed. I am sorry you feel like I am overdoing it. But honestly what the fuck do you want from me?
Do you want me to get up and continue like my life is normal? Because its not and never will be. A part of me I won’t lie wants to collapse, but give me some credit and say you know what this girl is trying. She isn’t doing well it’s clear but she is trying. When I am told to eat, I am not hungry but I open my mouth and eat.
When I am asked a question, even just a simple one of where the remote is I don’t have the will to answer, my mouth is dry, but I answer. I am doing my best.
Not doing what I have always enjoyed. Yah, I am doing none of that believe me I have tried, I try and do things its not like I sit and cry and do nothing all day. It ends up that way but I try to do stuff. Watching TV and playing computer games is the only thing I can do.
I am now left feeling like I need to run. I just want to run away. I feel like applying to a University hours and hours away just so I can have loads to do. Continent jumping appeals to me now, I never really wanted to leave Africa but now I just want to be so far away I don’t think.I was taught not to run from my problems but to me this seems like the only way I can stay alive.
Apologies for the depressing post.
Just want to say, I think I can relate to your post in some degree. Take the time you need to mourn, to grieve. No one is entitled to your doing anything. From your posts, it sounds like it is VERY hard to go on. I watched my dad in a saddened state when his mother (my paternal grandmother) died. My dad wasn’t much for sharing at the time, but that’s okay. It was a very hard time in our family, but it did bring us closer.
Forgive me if I am over stepping my bounds or over reacting, but I highly encourage you to try and find the joy in your life as it is going to be. You already know it isn’t easy, but I promise you it is possible. After losing the woman that had raised my dad, cared like no other, loved everyone she ever encountered, and always found a way to make you feel special, some of us just ached in longing to hug. You can make and will if you want to. Just don’t rush the mourning or grief process.
I’m rooting for you. 화이팅!
That’s my first time here,at your blog,and all i can say is to be strong.A month ago,my grandfather died and i still can’t understand that well….You have to be STRONG for your friend,i’m sure he/she ‘d like this. Fighting!
I hope your doing okay…
Grief from loss
I can’t know how you are feeling or suggest how you may feel better. I can share my experience.
My father died a year ago this past March. 17 months and I am still realigning my life. Everything is different, it may only be a degree off in some areas but it is different. We shared the past 20 years woodworking together, creating and making toys and things for children at risk. He was my mentor and my greatest fan. I am still in the process of standing alone. Not completely alone, I have all that he taught me and remember all that he wanted me to do. I am not my father, I am me. From my memories I can hear him everyday, his encouragement continues to give me the strength to learn more and continue what we have started. I have grown into a different person, one mixed with all those that loved me and that I have lost.
Ask your father and sister to be patient with you. Your process and realignment in life may take longer than others. Know that it will come.
When the waves of emotion come excuse yourself and punch your pillow or cry. It is ok and the waves may come for a long time and you may get stronger from them. You may be growing into a different person, one mixed with the lessons and encouragement of your mom. You can select the things you think about, you can choose how to use the energy that comes from your emotions.
I wish you peace and understanding from those around you.
All my love,
Karen