Watched a movie and thought!! 

The other day I was talking to a girl, who is 22, and she lost her mum earlier this year to a terminal illness and from the beginning she has helped me as much as she can. We are both in a lot of pain. 
She also cut and she told me not to anymore even if it did help, in fact she said she knows it helps a lot but she said she knows when I go out people will stare, I don’t go out anymore honestly and it’s chilly here at the moment so I can wear long tops to cover the cuts. And at home with my dad and sister I just keep my arm down and if it’s seen which is unlikely my mum was the one that cared about me even when I wasn’t being the Kirsty she thought I should be. Her princess. Even then she always noticed and asked me how I was. 
Bud the girl I was talking to said to take my mind off of hurting myself I should try and watch a movie called Wild about a young woman called Cheryl Strayed. 
Her mum passed when she was 22 and she took a destructive path until she walked three months on a hiking trail. And she said it would be cathartic for me. I wish it were. It only hurt me more. 
It’s a true story so the whole time I kept thinking to myself if I had known. If I had known this would happen i might not hurt this bad, but my behavior and the things I said and did to my mum out of anger and jelousy will haunt me as long as I am earth bound. How do I know she knows I love her with all of my being, how do I know she loves me back. 
I just feel really sad today. I don’t feel like being here anymore and I barely speak to my dad and he yelled at me again this morning for it. He’s a little sick at the moment his voice is almost gone and this morning I woke up and came and just sat in the lounge and to get here I have to pass my mom and dads room and when I did I saw him standing at the door and I said nothing. I just passed him and came to sit down. 
He came to the lounge and I didn’t say anything still, just continued doing nothing. He just said please open the gate for me and I was coming and then he came to get a book in the house and then I just said “that’s the first thing you say to me” – that’s when he mentioned how I passed him and said nothing and how he was coughing and sick all night. I zoned out it was just like three minutes of him speaking to me. 
I remember saying something silly like its the person entering the room that should say hello! I just wanted him to leave and I could sit alone in my misery. 
He left for work and I came back and sat down, my sister woke up about ten minutes later and I said morning to her first and she had the insensitivity to say to me “Oh I thought the person who enters the room says hello first?” And I just sighed in response at first and I don’t know if my next response was the right thing to say but I said to her “well sorry I was polite don’t worry you won’t have to deal with it long I’ll be dead soon” 🙁 
I know that was cruel, but I said hello to her with a smile why could she not just reply? Why speak in such a tone? She knew I was feeling terrible from yesterday because I even jumped into her bed at 2am because I didn’t want to feel so alone in my bed. She surely could hear me trying to sleep while muffling my cries with a pillow. 
So she knew I felt just like dying and maybe all I needed was a smile. 
Her next words to my I admit cruel and calous response was just as cruel and let’s just say for the next five mins it was one cruel reply after the other a brief breakdown : 
Ash : yeah mummy would be so proud of you wanting to kill your self 
Kay : she probably wouldn’t but we would be together and she would be happy with me. 
Ash : what do you think you’re doing huh? You’re hurting with regrets because you say you weren’t nice to mummy but you’re doing the same to daddy. What will you feel if something happens to him? Will you be happy? What do you want? 
Kay : you know what I wish it was daddy instead of mummy. 
Ash : something is wrong with you. Ugh. Why don’t you listen to yourself and look at yourself. Do you think how you’re acting is normal. Mummy would be so proud of her princess right? 
From there I was crying so much I just stopped and my sister unlike my dad is the action I’m sorry type eg. She got up and started playing and says to me “wanna team up and do some quests in dreanor with me. I will help you gear if you want because yours is effing lousy” — I said sure but hours later the words we said to each other are still hurting me! I feel sad and depressed. We were fine all day our usual joking selves after that but it still hurts. 
My dad mentioned how I need to get my drivers license and it’s strange the first thing I thought of was “it would be easier to create a cover story of me driving to our farm and kill myself due to carbon monoxide poisoning if I had a drivers license” yeah weird I know everyone says don’t I have my life and hey I clearly don’t know what’s coming in my life I never would have thought of this that Sunday when I woke up and went to my mums room and woke her up. Never. So the world has thrown some cruel shit at me probably to make me check out sooner or forced to and honestly I feel like doing it. I am going on that whole live the years your mum did right now so I might not checkout too soon. 
I will try and leave home soon though because I can’t take it and the story of Cheryl Strayed and also if I take risks might lead me to a death I won’t physically inflict upon myself. This meant to be shit I’ve heard so much about. Yeah cos the world wants me to hurt this damn much. Must have been Hitler in a previous life to deserve this. Because what have I done wrong? What? Sure occasionally being basically a child I didn’t listen and clean up when I was asked. When I was asked to do any chores I would take an hour or two, I would get annoyed and take it personally when my mum never gave all of her attention and what I perceived her love to me. Was I selfish and immature? Yes. But I am 20 and I was always babied by my mum. I was with her more than I was with my sister and dad combined in a week. Whenever my mummy went I was never far behind. I told her everything. Even when she said “I am too old for this my baby” she listened and knew what I was saying. 
This is getting long but pleas allow me to keep typing. If you’ve followed for a while you’ll know I’m a massive Jung Yonghwa and CNBLUE fan and my mum always made jokes of it and she knew how majorly obsessed with Jung Yonghwa I was and it was always the one thing I never needed permission to purchase was Yonghwa and CNBLUE merch. And now I saw on my feed they releasing a new album and it hurt so bad when I looked at it and I knew that I couldn’t look at the teaser run and say “omg mummy look he looks perfect. Song is going to be amazing. Can’t wait to see the mv and hope fnc puts effort into the LE” and have her reply with a smile “yeah you’ve found another way to spend my money” I know I will never get another car ride where I dominate the music with Koop and guess which members voice it is. I will never get to hear my mum mix up exo and another group my sister is obsessed with! 
Never get to hear her side with my sister that Gdragon is cool and I’m being a hatee while we laugh together. 
I will never get to run around looking for my mum in a hardware store because all the isles look a like and she walked too fast for me. 
I will never hear her voice asking me if I did something only for me to lie and say yeah I did and she knew instantly I hasn’t and would say “Nana are you sure? I know you and you haven’t done it yet you” 
I can’t take this! This bullshit about being strong and living for me and how I have my whole furture ahead of me. Do you know how bad this hurts? Look back at my posts looks how happy and positive I was. That was my mum she made me feel like that. She was by my side always and she she has a smile for me no matter what. No matter how bratty and rude I was being she has love for me. No everyone wants me to up and pull myself together? For what? When I wake up in the morning I don’t have the only person that loved me and showed me kindness when I had done everything in my power NOT to deserve it. She is gone and if I live will not see her again for the next forty years. I don’t know if I can do that at all. 
My eyes are teary and I feel like dying right now. My head hurts and I’m lying down alone in the dark in my room. Signals time to end my rant. 
Not much language journey anymore sorry >.< I have nowhere else to write this…and to the comments and messages on fb and everywhere thank you. I don’t reply to some because it hurts but i read them and take them to heart. Pretty much feels like all I have now …since I can’t say anything to my dad and sis!! 
Bye